a vicious cycle

Ironically, one of my biggest problems is how hard it is for me to acknowledge and deal with my problems. If Austin Powers were real, and not, you know, a movie character, he would tell me that it is "a vicious cycle" and I'd be inclined to agree.

I ignore my emotions sometimes. I tell myself that they're not important, that they are stupid and selfish and I should just stop complaining and accept things the way they are. I refuse to accept that I have legitimate problems in my life, despite the fact that everyone else has at least one serious problem in theirs.

For some reason, I believe that my emotions and my issues are less valid than everyone else's. I believe it is selfish for me to ask for help when I live in a rich suburb with running water and electricity and a great public education and over half the people in the world aren't as lucky as I am.

Of course, this could stem from my father's constant refrain of "rich white suburban kids create their own problems", which tells me that I'm feeling too deeply and thinking too much.

I care more about my friend's feelings than I do about my own, but I can't fully explain why and I don't know if that's a really terrible thing or not. I know I can't fix it. I've trained myself into a mindset that allows me to forgive and listen to pretty much anybody except myself.

I ignore my emotions and problems. As a result, they get thorny and more aggravating to deal with. And so I put more energy into pretending they're not there.

It truly is a vicious cycle and I honestly have no idea how to end it, because sometimes music isn't enough. Sometimes eating chicken nuggets doesn't improve my mood as much as I hope it will. Sometime my friends are busy or asleep and sometimes they just don't know what to say.

Sometimes all you can do is pretend that whatever's bothering you isn't really there.