love it always (day 5)

Day 5: Name a time when you thought about ending your own life.

Oi. This should be fun.

Let's try to summarize this as quickly and painlessly as possible: yes, I have gone through two periods of my life when I could have been classified as suicidal.

The first was in the fourth grade, when I went through what I like to call my Regression phase. During the better part of that year, I had terrible seperation aniexty--I couldn't be left home alone and I caused many family feuds by insisting to sleep in my mother's room and had a gigantic fear of becoming sick. I also felt very disliked--none of my friends were in my class and I got stuck with up-and-coming-prom-queens as classmates, the girls who were already wearing designer jeans at age ten and doing everything within their might to lower my self-esteem. Plainly, I was severely unhappy and I was convinced plenty of people would be better off without me around. No, I never cut my wrists or constructed nooses out of bedsheets or anything of the sort-but my thoughts constantly returned to, "hey, I bet my family and my school would be a lot better off if I were dead." Morbid, but true.

The second was during the beginning of the eighth grade. Frankly, it sucked. I felt really ugly, because all of my friends were (and still are, but I've accepted it) waaaayyy prettier, and very stupid, thanks to my skittish new math teacher who awarded me F's. Plus, I realized that I only had one year of middle school left and that freaked me out, big time. There were times when my math homework would literally make me cry. I would be sitting at the kitchen table, bent over the freakin' textbook, thinking about how ugly and stupid I was, and thought along the lines of, "F*ck my life. I'm ugly and retarded, why do I even bother living?" Quite dramatic, no?

Before you all go calling the suicide hotline on me, please rest assured I am nothing like that anymore. Everyone goes through rough times in their lives--that's the way it works. You have to suffer in order to truly enjoy the good that happens. I am a stronger person because of these times, and I am much happier these days--not the happiest I've ever been, granted, but I do know my life is a blessing and I am not intending to screw myself by taking away a blessing. Life is far too crazy, messy, interesting, beautiful and fun to give up, and though I really hate it sometimes, I love it always.